Feelings

Alright, I admit that I'm not that good at writing about my feelings. I prefer to talk about them. I've never kept a journal or diary before. I can see that most of my posts are about factual information, instead of how I feel. I'm working on that.

Yesterday was the first day I truly let myself get a glimpse of how my life will be post-transplant. I have been thinking about the waiting and the recovery, but rarely do I think about how good I will feel eventually. I was so excited about it last night that I couldn't fall asleep. I will be able to run again. I will be able to play my sports that I miss so much. I will be able to travel and work again. I will be able to walk and clean and go up stairs without needing breaks and feeling tired. I won't need to carry around my oxygen. I will feel like my old self again- with enough energy for myself and others.

I am starting to forget what that feels like. I feel like I can't be myself 100% because I don't have the energy. I really struggled with that earlier this year. I don't have the energy to be myself. I felt like a lame version of who I was. I have adapted now. I just have to prioritize and do the most important things. Eventually, I will be able to do it all.

I felt like I rejoined society again yesterday. After nine days in the hospital, and a few days at home before and after... I realized I hadn't been out in a while! I drove for the first time in winter conditions yesterday. I put on jeans and blow-dried my hair. I went to two stores to do a little shopping. It felt so good. I didn't notice how long I had been hidden away until I got out there!