This afternoon it hit me. The whole dependence thing. I know I am so lucky to have an awesome husband that cares so much and other family members that are willing to help out. But it's still hard to ask for help. Usually I just get in a routine and don't think about it too much, but today it came to the forefront. I need someone to take me to clinic on Wednesday. Usually my husband goes to work super early on those days and then comes home to pick me up, we go to clinic, he drops me back off, and then he returns to work. He got a recent promotion (yay!) but that means there's more work to do! He's been so busy lately that I feel bad every time I need to take him away from work to help me. But I can't leave the house alone. It's too hard.
I've already been active on the list for over five months. Nobody believed it would take so long, and I think the waiting is getting to us. It means that quite a few family members have changed the way they live for me. No more vacations, no more leaving the house without a cell phone, and no more fun. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit! I appreciate it so much, but I feel bad that I just take, take, take. And I know when I get my transplant, I'll need them even more.
I know I'd do the same for one of them, but that doesn't help the current situation. I think the bottom line is that I'm ready for transplant already!
Ah, nothing like a little venting to make myself feel better. Now back to my usual cheery self!
Moments are a good thing to have occasionally. They keep you sane. Sorry about the guilt thing cyster. I understand and think that it is one of the hardest aspects of this wacky disease. One of my friends reminds me that by helping me out, she feels like she is helping fight cf too...those who care about us don't feel so helpless if they can do something. Hang in there cuz those lungs are coming your way!
ReplyDeleteThanks Sherri. That's a good way to look at it!
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