The Big Issues

Well, I'm happy to report that procrastinating one day worked out well for me for getting the H1N1 vaccine. There was absolutely no line-up, so I was in and out in no time! I am also happy that 65_RedRoses was on tv last night. This version was well-edited, and had great impact while being very inspiring. I am so glad that my friends, family and co-workers watched it. I have appreciated every email, facebook post and phone call in response to the film. I think it really gave people an idea of what I'm going through.

Watching the film again made me examine where I am emotionally in the whole tx process. I think I have come a long way in the last few weeks since my last hospitalization. Going in last time was hands-down the worst I've ever felt. Being so short of breath scared me. My tx assessment appointment also helped me along. I think getting to see the hospital, meet the staff, and take the next step in the process was very beneficial. However, when I watch the film and see how excited Eva is to get the call and be wheeled into surgery, I realize I still have a little ways to go. I like to make lists, so here's a list of my hang-ups, in no particular order:

1. The pain. I have talked to others transplantees and most of them report that the pain was pretty well managed. It still freaks me out to think about the pain I might experience post-surgery. You'd think with all of the PICCs and IVs I've had that I'd get desensitized to the pain factor, but that's not the case. I think it's mostly psychological... but it's still there.

2. The anxiety of waiting and getting the call. I can't even imagine the tension of waiting and waiting and then getting the call. It's overwhelming to me. I try to imagine myself getting the call and being prepped for surgery, and the anxiety and significance of that time is almost too much.

3. How my family is and will be involved. I am lucky to have the most supportive husband ever. But some other family members worry me. I know everyone has to deal with this at their own pace, but I wonder about how much progress is happening. I have been very open and honest and have kept everyone up-to-date. But like I said, I don't know how far we're getting. For example, after convincing my dad to watch the film last night, he calls to ask if I have a pager and says he doesn't even know if I'm on the list or not. I also worry about how everyone will get along when we're living in Edmonton post-surgery and I don't have the capacity/energy to mediate between my support people. I still have some work to do here.

Alright, I think that's it, there's no #4. I am down to three issues. The first two are mine to get over as much as possible, but that third one will take some strategy. I am going have to think about it and make some decisions. I hate the stress of dealing with my family... it's hard to think how four people can be so... different? difficult? complicated? I don't even know how to describe it, but every family has their own issues and we're no exception.